Circus Freak.

You pull off the layers of my skin, trying to find something within the depths of this lifeless body. After almost seventeen years of harassment, abuse, disrespect there's nothing left to give to you. I'm sorry I can't give what I use to be able to, I'm sorry I can no longer impress you. You finally broke me down, you ripped through me like Hurricane Katrina ripped through the South. You left me broken and beaten, bruised and battered, you flooded me with feelings of alienation, making me feel like some circus freak. In your mind, was I the bearded lady? You always made me feel like I wasn't pretty enough for anyone, like I was never going to be. Or was I the limbless freak? You always pushed me down, made me feel like I wasn't strong enough to hold up my own self. Either way, you're not wanted around here anymore, so please patch up my skin, stitch me back together like I wish you would, or are you just going to leave me here like you used to?

Blogging 2 days in a row :].

Choke.

I feel the water filling my lungs, choking out words that are inaudbile in hope that someone, anyone will hear them. I've lost feeling in every limb, the flow of my blood has frozen in its path. Each limb feeling heavier as time goes on, not being able to get enough strength to keep my head above water. I've burned the bridges that reached the lake that I'm in, in hope that someone would triumph through the troubles to get to me, to save me from this struggle that's getting harder every second. I sputter and choke; choking on hatred, greed, jealousy, heartache and anguish, feelings that I felt every day. I can no longer fight this battle by myself, in need of someone to reach out to me, to take my hand and save me from this life I'm leading. I've lost all hope in finding one to rescue me.

I rarely update anymore, and I feel kind of bad.
I'm going to start again

Winter Heartbreak.

My writing doesn't reflect my happiness.

The leaves started to fall off the trees. Winter was coming again. All it needed was a little push and it would start to snow. The wind was gettng a little bitter by this time. This is the time for the heart breaks. The wind picks up and as the first snowflake falls to the ground, the first heart break happens. It's always bitter and cold at first; the first snowfall and first heartbreak. The more frequent of the snowfall, the more frequent of the heartbreak. You get used to both after a couple of months but as it gets warmer out, the less heartbreaks. You get tired of both until you can't handle either one. Spring comes and there is relief. The count down begins. Only eight months till the first snow fall, eight months until the first heartbreak.

Thoughts of you dead.

This isn't directed towards anyone. I just felt like writing something.

Her thoughtless thoughts racing through this boggled mind of hers. No organization is welcomed, it's always easier finding things when it's dirty. Her lil' ole conscious has a sign pinned up on it's cubicle, written on it "Out of Order". It must have bounced when she decided not to care. That's what usually happens, you don't feel guilty after people have done such shitty things to you. You get revenge, you don't feel guilty. You seek to make someone jealous, you don't feel guilty. It's when you don't care anymore that life is easy.

The thoughts of you dead, there wasn't a conscious to tell her that what she did was probably wrong. But she didn't care, she did it anyways. There's too many thoughts circling this brilliant mind of hers to even think clear. It's why she did it. She went blind, her mind went blind, she didn't think. So she killed. Her hands are bruised, she's out of breath. Struggling not to let you get any air, it was a game. She won this game. You thought you could get the best of her, but you were wrong. She got the best of you.

The wire around your neck, left bruising. The poison in your blood stream, turned your blood as thick as oil. You were dead to her before she got her hands on you. The crying in her head, voices of people, people who loved and cared about you. There wasn't many, but there was still some. But guess what, she didn't care, she has no conscious. She laughs in the faces of such people. She's not crazy, not yet anyways. She just wanted revenge, needed revenge for what you did to her.

You got what you had coming to you.

OKAY!

My day was alright I guess. Nothing really important today. Parents finished putting in the windows on the front side of the house.

"Fear me

Step too close to see what I see

Construct desire

The fine line between disease and what I need"

Jon was right. This song is addictive

:]

I can haz blawg?

I swear today has went by so slow. I have been absolutely miserable. I woke up at 9, freezing, and to top it off I cried half of the night. You know, it never really hit me this hard that I lost the person I loved the most in the world. My parents are remodeling the house. It's been so hectic. Everytime I turn around something looks different and there is so much noise. I really hate alot of noise mainly because I get headaches easily. I should probably see a doctor about it but I always get them during this weather. We put new windows in the front of the house today and it looks really good.

I really miss my friends from school. The things we all use to do. The memories I made. It sucks that I left that all behind and I do regret it alittle. Though I did whats best for myself, there will always be a part of me that will regret it.

Anyways
I've became really good friends with Jon. He's helped me sooo much this week with the whole situation. I probably couldn't thank him enough. No matter what happened he was there for me to cry to when no one else was. Thanks Jon. You'll always be considered my friend.

Halloween & Stuff

Halloween is going to be so boring this year. I really hate Halloween. Its probably my most-hated holiday there is. Not to mention all my friends work and they all have to work tonight. Cory is going to be at Richards. So this blows :]. I think I'm going to stay up all night watching scary movies and probably having nightmares. I miss being a kid and going trick-or-treating then going through candy :[. My mom is dancing in the kitchen to the song Thriller by Michael Jackson. I fear my sanity.
On a side note:
Last night was my first night with my retainer. It went pretty well other than I have a lisp now till I get adjusted to it. It feels really strange not having any wires in my mouth. I don't really like it. I guess I dont adjust to change very well.

So I'm watching Halloween 4......It's pretty good even if I have seen it too many times.